NEWS FLASH- AN EVENT PROJECTION CALCULATOR

AN EVENT PROJECTION CALCULATOR



     Recently, THE CHAPEL HILL HERALD been inventing and studying a new procedure called “Event Projection.” A really cleaner translation is “predicting the future”. It’s amazingly simple, and chillingly accurate. This method takes any “event” of today, or yesterday, adds a few ingredients such as: time, human traits, history, nature, etc., etc. and projects a probable end result for that event in the future. In other words, to put it simply, if you throw a ball in the air, you can safely (and accurately) predict the future of that event. The ball comes thudding back to the ground. Viola!

Also, if you go into my neighbor’s yard, you can accurately predict that Bonzo (that’s my neighbor’s psychopathic dog.) will be trying to dislodge a big portion of your rear from his teeth for the next hour or so depending on how good you are at jumping a six foot chain fence. That’s figured thusly:

Bonzo plus you plus time plus speed plus jumping ability equals how long Bonzo will be picking his teeth. Very simple.

It’s incredibly easy to see the end result of any event, if you train your mind to use the correct ingredients pertaining to that event. Coincidentally, I have been putting together a few event projections of my own. I’m just a little curious as to the state of the world and humankind evolution into the future so, without the boring ingredients, here is a very accurate projection of today’s (and yesterday’s) “events”, in the form of newspaper headlines, for about the year 2050. Don’t scoff at the accuracy. Remember Bonzo? Do you want to take that chance?

HEADLINES-2050

(or possibly later)

OSAMA SEEN IN MANCHURIAN OLD FOLKS HOME

(LP-NEWS) Today a reliable source revealed the whereabouts of long sought after world fugitive. Osama Bin Laden. “He had been forgotten by the nurses and was found, bedridden, in a mummified condition”, the source said. His son, Osama bin Laden Jr., speaking on a video from a cave in the Manchurian Mts., vowed revenge on the nursing home industry. Texas Congressman Ben Bush , long a champion against nursing home neglect and abuse said, “I’m with him on that one!”

SPOTTED OWLS DESTROY CROPS

(L-P NEWS) Thousands of spotted owls descended on crops from Iowa to Louisiana yesterday, creating havoc in the farm belts before retreating to the vast forests that now comprise their home. Stock futures dropped like a rock, from such a loss, as the President announced a deal with China for any extra rice they could send.

An extraordinary side effect of the invasion known as the “Poope Kai Kai effect was also being carefully evaluated. Poope Kai Kai clouds had been noted as far as Washington, carried aloft by the prevailing winds. One angry motorist described the clouds as “S_ _ T from Hell” at a busy carwash.

Non- plussed, Spotted Owl Advocates defended the owls, claiming they were returning fertilizer to the land for better crops.



MAN FOUND WITH GUN EXECUTED TODAY

(US News) After losing his appeal last week, Bill Brady Jr. was executed by gunshots to the head at 12:01 today. Gun control advocates wanted that style of execution to show the horrible effects of a bullet to the brainIt had been proven that Brady had the gun for over six months in his home.

In a related newsbreak THE CHAPEL HILL HERALD learned that five more people had been arrested by the Fat Police for allegedly exceeding 200 lb. body weight, a capital punishment under the U.S. constitutional amendment b-406. Tobacco was also allegedly found on two of the pitifully overweight, which carries its own capital punishment. The police found old antiquated pictures of outlawed McDonalds and Burger King fries and hamburgers

FLORIDA RE-ADMITTED TO UNION

(L-P NEWS) After a long battle, Florida is finally a state of the U.S. Again. “ It would have happened sooner,” said Govenor Moses Bush, “ But we just couldn’t solve the question about counting the ballots for the annexation, until the “persona grata” method was introduced.” We just had every interested voter line up in person on the interstate, “for” on the left side and “against” on the right. Very ingeniously designed by Bill Gates Jr. and a Gator neck from the everglades. A picture taken by satellite and tabulated by a Microsoft tabulation program solved it nicely (except for a few glitches, i e. people crossing the road, etc.) “These glitches are taken care of by our $39.95 update programs,” said Gates

U.S. CALLS FOR ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN CEASEFIRE

(U.S. NEWS) Amid calls for a cease fire, the two Palestinians left surrounding Israel vowed to eradicate their enemy. Israel continued bulldozing the land since there has been no buildings there in the last two decades.

The week in review

HERDS OF MOOSE DIE IN PIPELINE MAZE

IRAQ AGREES TO 50 MEGATON BOMB CAP

DIVERS BRING UP CALIFORNIA ARTIFACTS FROM OCEAN BOTTOM

ARABS CONSIDER U.S. OIL PLEA

KENNEDYS ALLOWED BACK INTO U.S. TEMPORARILY

ROSIE O’DONNELL SUES U.S. GOV’T FOR CHILDLESS LIFE

GAY MILITARY ACCEPTS TWO BISEXUALS

U.S. TROOPS SEARCH 6000th CAVE

ILLEGAL ALIEN BECOMES 12TH GOVERNOR

SENATOR SAYS WE MUST GET SERIOUS ABOUT CLOSING THE BORDER WITH MEXICO

IN OTHER EVENTS OF 2050

(TX-NEWS) World renown author Leo Ponder was interviewed today on his 100th birthday in a private nursing facility that he owns.

He was asked what he attributed his longevity and success to, his reply was:

“What does longevity mean? They won’t let me have my Microsoft dictionary lookup and computer here”

When asked about a headline in today’s paper that Osama Bin Laden had been found in a nursing home, mummified., he said, “I’m busting out of here today!”

Sensing senility, the interviewer decided to wish him a happy birthday and leave it at that.