AN EVENT PROJECTION CALCULATOR
Recently, THE CHAPEL HILL HERALD been inventing and studying a new procedure called “Event Projection.” A really cleaner translation is “predicting the future”. It’s amazingly simple, and chillingly accurate. This method takes any “event” of today, or yesterday, adds a few ingredients such as: time, human traits, history, nature, etc., etc. and projects a probable end result for that event in the future. In other words, to put it simply, if you throw a ball in the air, you can safely (and accurately) predict the future of that event. The ball comes thudding back to the ground. Viola!
Also, if you go into my neighbor’s yard, you can accurately predict that Bonzo (that’s my neighbor’s psychopathic dog.) will be trying to dislodge a big portion of your rear from his teeth for the next hour or so depending on how good you are at jumping a six foot chain fence. That’s figured thusly:
Bonzo plus you plus time plus speed plus jumping ability equals how long Bonzo will be picking his teeth. Very simple.
It’s incredibly easy to see the end result of any event, if you train your mind to use the correct ingredients pertaining to that event. Coincidentally, I have been putting together a few event projections of my own. I’m just a little curious as to the state of the world and humankind evolution into the future so, without the boring ingredients, here is a very accurate projection of today’s (and yesterday’s) “events”, in the form of newspaper headlines, for about the year 2050. Don’t scoff at the accuracy. Remember Bonzo? Do you want to take that chance?
HEADLINES-2050
(or possibly later)
OSAMA SEEN IN MANCHURIAN OLD FOLKS HOME
(LP-NEWS) Today a reliable source revealed the whereabouts of long sought after world fugitive. Osama Bin Laden. “He had been forgotten by the nurses and was found, bedridden, in a mummified condition”, the source said. His son, Osama bin Laden Jr., speaking on a video from a cave in the Manchurian Mts., vowed revenge on the nursing home industry. Texas Congressman Ben Bush , long a champion against nursing home neglect and abuse said, “I’m with him on that one!”
SPOTTED OWLS DESTROY CROPS
(L-P NEWS) Thousands of spotted owls descended on crops from Iowa to Louisiana yesterday, creating havoc in the farm belts before retreating to the vast forests that now comprise their home. Stock futures dropped like a rock, from such a loss, as the President announced a deal with China for any extra rice they could send.
An extraordinary side effect of the invasion known as the “Poope Kai Kai effect was also being carefully evaluated. Poope Kai Kai clouds had been noted as far as Washington, carried aloft by the prevailing winds. One angry motorist described the clouds as “S_ _ T from Hell” at a busy carwash.
Non- plussed, Spotted Owl Advocates defended the owls, claiming they were returning fertilizer to the land for better crops.
MAN FOUND WITH GUN EXECUTED TODAY
(US News) After losing his appeal last week, Bill Brady Jr. was executed by gunshots to the head at 12:01 today. Gun control advocates wanted that style of execution to show the horrible effects of a bullet to the brainIt had been proven that Brady had the gun for over six months in his home.
In a related newsbreak THE CHAPEL HILL HERALD learned that five more people had been arrested by the Fat Police for allegedly exceeding 200 lb. body weight, a capital punishment under the U.S. constitutional amendment b-406. Tobacco was also allegedly found on two of the pitifully overweight, which carries its own capital punishment. The police found old antiquated pictures of outlawed McDonalds and Burger King fries and hamburgers
FLORIDA RE-ADMITTED TO UNION
(L-P NEWS) After a long battle, Florida is finally a state of the U.S. Again. “ It would have happened sooner,” said Govenor Moses Bush, “ But we just couldn’t solve the question about counting the ballots for the annexation, until the “persona grata” method was introduced.” We just had every interested voter line up in person on the interstate, “for” on the left side and “against” on the right. Very ingeniously designed by Bill Gates Jr. and a Gator neck from the everglades. A picture taken by satellite and tabulated by a Microsoft tabulation program solved it nicely (except for a few glitches, i e. people crossing the road, etc.) “These glitches are taken care of by our $39.95 update programs,” said Gates
U.S. CALLS FOR ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN CEASEFIRE
(U.S. NEWS) Amid calls for a cease fire, the two Palestinians left surrounding Israel vowed to eradicate their enemy. Israel continued bulldozing the land since there has been no buildings there in the last two decades.
The week in review
HERDS OF MOOSE DIE IN PIPELINE MAZE
IRAQ AGREES TO 50 MEGATON BOMB CAP
DIVERS BRING UP CALIFORNIA ARTIFACTS FROM OCEAN BOTTOM
ARABS CONSIDER U.S. OIL PLEA
KENNEDYS ALLOWED BACK INTO U.S. TEMPORARILY
ROSIE O’DONNELL SUES U.S. GOV’T FOR CHILDLESS LIFE
GAY MILITARY ACCEPTS TWO BISEXUALS
U.S. TROOPS SEARCH 6000th CAVE
ILLEGAL ALIEN BECOMES 12TH GOVERNOR
SENATOR SAYS WE MUST GET SERIOUS ABOUT CLOSING THE BORDER WITH MEXICO
IN OTHER EVENTS OF 2050
(TX-NEWS) World renown author Leo Ponder was interviewed today on his 100th birthday in a private nursing facility that he owns.
He was asked what he attributed his longevity and success to, his reply was:
“What does longevity mean? They won’t let me have my Microsoft dictionary lookup and computer here”
When asked about a headline in today’s paper that Osama Bin Laden had been found in a nursing home, mummified., he said, “I’m busting out of here today!”
Sensing senility, the interviewer decided to wish him a happy birthday and leave it at that.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
EDITORIAL
DIVISIONS OF CHARACTER
We are seeing a very embarrassing precedent in the Obama-McCain election. It is not
Obama-McCain that is determining this precedent but a simmering chasm of anguish
that’s been eating at this country like the foreshocks of a great earthquake. That precedent
is “Division” “A house(country) divided cannot stand” The great United States Of
America is and has been for decades dividing along the lines of hate, race, gay, liberal,
conservative, Christian, farmer, city dweller. The lines are being drawn tighter every day
becoming very palpable and blatant in the Gore-Bush fracas. It’s been patently described
as “five nations in one” which really is a more accurate portrayal. The middle of our
country is the breadbasket (the farmer), the North is the factories(unions), the East
coast is the urban (city dwellers), the West is, well you can name it(hot mixture), and
the South is Dixie (Bible belt). Now can you see any one of those five countries
embracing the tenets of any one of the others? Of course not? They are as divided as
the Red Sea. Each spewing it’s own brand of division
The Gore-Bush election farce only served to illuminate our great country’s tribulations.
What happened to the super patriots that cried, “Give me liberty or give me death”. instead of today’s cry of “Give me what I want or I will litigate” Yeah, right, which
one of those have you heard lately? One of the Russian grand master chess players, a
formidable opponent, once said that the most agonizingly difficult decisions he had to make to an opponent was not in the moves that he made but “conceding” when he knew
he would make an ass of himself if he continued with a hopeless game. His respect was
enormous. Can you see his respect go down the drain if he never “conceded” but persisted
until he resembled the south end of a northbound burro?
Whatever the outcome of this “election” you can be assured the lines have been drawn
and this country is damaged in one of our most sacred areas, the election process.
We can now use that division, whenever it behooves us, in our everyday life. We can say
that our boss on the job is just a farmer, or a dixiecrat, or a Jew and that we were confused by the contract that we signed.(or the ballot that we punched). Nothing remains
sacred because we have lost the meaning of honor, sportsmanship and brotherhood!
Did we forget we are all Americans, bound not only to ourselves but also to the rest
of the world’s view of us? I may decide not to take out the trash anymore because it’s
not listed in my marriage vows. Or refuse to mow the lawn, or repair that leaky faucet
for the same reason. And if I had to I would go to court to prove the legality (not moral)
of the chores.(some stupid judge would take the case). Can you imagine the division
this would cause in families. Well, that’s happening now in our family of the good ‘ol
U.S.A.. The whiny, crybabies are truly characteristic symptoms of a decadent, liberal,
and selfish society that embraces the tenets of greed, and divisiveness.
We need to stand up to this kind of trash and bring back the visions of Patrick Henry,
John Adams, patriotism and most of all character.( even if this means I still have to take out the garbage)
When we learn these qualities of individual responsibilities we can soar to the heights
of the American dream, build on the character of the many and not of the few, setting an
example of supreme benevolence to all the inhabitants of this globe whether it be race,
color, ethnic or religion while planting seeds of goodwill and harmony to future world guardians of
fellowship and freedom.
EDITORS E-MAIL imufo2@sbcglobal.net
NEWS, SPORTS,GOSSIP, OR ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN CRAM INTO HAPPENINGS AT CHAPEL HILL,TEXAS (PLEASE DON’T SAY YOU ARE FROM HERE IF YOU’RE NOT)
We are seeing a very embarrassing precedent in the Obama-McCain election. It is not
Obama-McCain that is determining this precedent but a simmering chasm of anguish
that’s been eating at this country like the foreshocks of a great earthquake. That precedent
is “Division” “A house(country) divided cannot stand” The great United States Of
America is and has been for decades dividing along the lines of hate, race, gay, liberal,
conservative, Christian, farmer, city dweller. The lines are being drawn tighter every day
becoming very palpable and blatant in the Gore-Bush fracas. It’s been patently described
as “five nations in one” which really is a more accurate portrayal. The middle of our
country is the breadbasket (the farmer), the North is the factories(unions), the East
coast is the urban (city dwellers), the West is, well you can name it(hot mixture), and
the South is Dixie (Bible belt). Now can you see any one of those five countries
embracing the tenets of any one of the others? Of course not? They are as divided as
the Red Sea. Each spewing it’s own brand of division
The Gore-Bush election farce only served to illuminate our great country’s tribulations.
What happened to the super patriots that cried, “Give me liberty or give me death”. instead of today’s cry of “Give me what I want or I will litigate” Yeah, right, which
one of those have you heard lately? One of the Russian grand master chess players, a
formidable opponent, once said that the most agonizingly difficult decisions he had to make to an opponent was not in the moves that he made but “conceding” when he knew
he would make an ass of himself if he continued with a hopeless game. His respect was
enormous. Can you see his respect go down the drain if he never “conceded” but persisted
until he resembled the south end of a northbound burro?
Whatever the outcome of this “election” you can be assured the lines have been drawn
and this country is damaged in one of our most sacred areas, the election process.
We can now use that division, whenever it behooves us, in our everyday life. We can say
that our boss on the job is just a farmer, or a dixiecrat, or a Jew and that we were confused by the contract that we signed.(or the ballot that we punched). Nothing remains
sacred because we have lost the meaning of honor, sportsmanship and brotherhood!
Did we forget we are all Americans, bound not only to ourselves but also to the rest
of the world’s view of us? I may decide not to take out the trash anymore because it’s
not listed in my marriage vows. Or refuse to mow the lawn, or repair that leaky faucet
for the same reason. And if I had to I would go to court to prove the legality (not moral)
of the chores.(some stupid judge would take the case). Can you imagine the division
this would cause in families. Well, that’s happening now in our family of the good ‘ol
U.S.A.. The whiny, crybabies are truly characteristic symptoms of a decadent, liberal,
and selfish society that embraces the tenets of greed, and divisiveness.
We need to stand up to this kind of trash and bring back the visions of Patrick Henry,
John Adams, patriotism and most of all character.( even if this means I still have to take out the garbage)
When we learn these qualities of individual responsibilities we can soar to the heights
of the American dream, build on the character of the many and not of the few, setting an
example of supreme benevolence to all the inhabitants of this globe whether it be race,
color, ethnic or religion while planting seeds of goodwill and harmony to future world guardians of
fellowship and freedom.
EDITORS E-MAIL imufo2@sbcglobal.net
NEWS, SPORTS,GOSSIP, OR ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN CRAM INTO HAPPENINGS AT CHAPEL HILL,TEXAS (PLEASE DON’T SAY YOU ARE FROM HERE IF YOU’RE NOT)
“FIRST EDITION"
-----------------------------------------------------
Editor’s Email (imufo2@sbcglobal.net)
Well, this is it! The first edition of The Chapel Hill Herald, A collectors item. It ain’t much but it’s all we got! Circulation Zero and gaining. First, let me emphasize , this not my paper but is owned by all who wish to contribute. And enjoy. Contribute means giving me info to publish not just money, which is appreciated too. The news will be about you, for you and by you. (plus whatever I happen to hear and report.)
If you wish to contribute news on any subject call (903) 944-2538 or (903) 566-6515 or just send me an email. But lets keep it civil. No profanity (even if you can’t stand your mother-in-law’s visit.) No dirt. You can let me know if someone is visiting, your dog had puppies, or anything of interest to our area.
If we grow, we grow. We all will be better informed.
If you feel led to donate a dollar, here and there. I will buy another bottle of ink. Of course ads will be included as soon as we get them.
This will be a periodical. (meaning publishing will be periodically.)
This will be a periodical. (meaning publishing will be periodically.)
Free Subscription if you email me your email address.
Ads will be $1.00 for one line per issue. ($1.50 for three lines)
First 25 ads we receive will be free
Send your favorites jokes, please. (clean please)
New subscribers receive one first time free ad.
Above all email your friends and neighbors (you never know what goodies they have to contribute
HAPPY READING!!
Leo Ponder Editor- in- Chief.
*******************************************************************************
Sports Pages
Click here:
*****************************************************************
Classifieds
***********************************************************
For Sale
Indoor outdoor portable fireplace Gas or woodburning
$150.00
Please call 903-944-2538
*****************************************************************************************
Appliance Services
Ponder Appliance Repair Refrigerator, Washer, Dryer Repair in Your HomeMost Service Calls $5.00 TYLER,TEXAS
Guaranteed
Please Call 903-944-2538
**********************************************************************
LOST AND FOUND
BLACK AND WHITE CAT. CAME TO MY HOUSE ON RD 272 BEHIND OIL PALACE
PLEASE CALL 903-566-6515
*************************************************************************
ODDBALL FOR SALE SECTION
Used father in law for sale! Can look after several children at one time. Is a little quick to anger if without tobacco. Eyes are a little on the bad side, so he can not deliver himself. No offer refused!
Jeffrey Peebles
5564 Murton Place
Fort Worth, Texas 76137
*****************************************************************************
OBITUARIES
*******************************************************************************
Sports Pages
Click here:
*****************************************************************
Classifieds
***********************************************************
For Sale
Indoor outdoor portable fireplace Gas or woodburning
$150.00
Please call 903-944-2538
*****************************************************************************************
Appliance Services
Ponder Appliance Repair Refrigerator, Washer, Dryer Repair in Your HomeMost Service Calls $5.00 TYLER,TEXAS
Guaranteed
Please Call 903-944-2538
**********************************************************************
LOST AND FOUND
BLACK AND WHITE CAT. CAME TO MY HOUSE ON RD 272 BEHIND OIL PALACE
PLEASE CALL 903-566-6515
*************************************************************************
ODDBALL FOR SALE SECTION
Used father in law for sale! Can look after several children at one time. Is a little quick to anger if without tobacco. Eyes are a little on the bad side, so he can not deliver himself. No offer refused!
Jeffrey Peebles
5564 Murton Place
Fort Worth, Texas 76137
*****************************************************************************
OBITUARIES
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
